2009 - The year of the Matador

Hello!

It's been a while since I entered into one-way conversation with you. I have had to do the whole Christmas thing, apologies. So what's happened in the last fortnight?

Jeff Buckley made number 2 in the Christmas chart, a massive achievement in my eyes, didn't really stand a chance against the might of the Cowell Publicity Machine and legions of retarded mini-bopper pre-teens. I'm not really sure what we need to do next year to prevent another Pop-Factor number 1 at Christmas, but the current plan involves a goose, some ice cream and a selection of biscuits. *winks* You might want to stay out of Southampton, if you know what I mean. Nothing to do with the plan, it's just a shithole.

What's next? Erm, Christmas Telly! Yeah! Didn't watch any. Oh, except the latest Wallace and Grommit short film "A Matter of Loaf and Death." It was, as always, very good, and seemed to look more roughly animated than the third, looking a little more like the original film. Which I liked, as it retained much more of its character. The story was clever, but felt extremely rushed in the short-film format. The expressions on Grommit's face are usually the highlight of these things, and this was no different. And the scene where he is deciding where to throw the bomb is genius! 

The only other thing worthy of a mention was Elton John on New Years Eve. Oh. My. Effing. God. What has happened to his voice? He was in tune, fair enough, but could he not be bothered with punctuating? As he slurred through "Daniel" and "I Guess That's Why They Call it The Blues," which I don't mind confessing is one of my favorite songs, I wondered to myself, Haven't they made Kerry Katona look a lot like Sir Elton? 

It was frightening! Terrifying! Shocking! Ok, I'm overdoing it, but it was terrible. He didn't seem to be able to pause between words, instead he seemed to be attempting to show the world what he'd look like as a stroke victim.

Killer Queen.

I'm a fairly open minded, friendly chap. Well, most of that is a lie, but the point I'm about to make is still just as valid. I think Simon Cowell is responsible for the death of Christmas.

I appreciate that that's a fairly broad statement, but hear me out. Aside from stabbing Santa in the eye with a bowie knife (which he'd do given the chance, you mark my words), what is the one part of christmas that Cowell could attack and maim, causing maximum repercussion?

That's right, the christmas number one. Obvious when you think about it, he's a music producer, try and keep up. This will be the fourth year the X-Factor winner has taken the number one spot, and I personally think enough is enough. When I was a younger lad, there was a lot of excitement attached to the Christmas chart, and always a decent battle for the top spot, usually between Sir Cliff and a random children's character, but that's not the point. The anticipation of the christmas number one was always the first sign of Christmas proper beginning. It was always the Sunday before Christmas Day and people country-wide would sit around the wireless, with baited-breath waiting for Radio 1 to tell us who'd done it.

As much as this is a real shame, this year we have a whole other problem. The Christmas Number 1 will undoubtedly go to Alexandra Burke, this year's X-Factor winner. I have no problem with her, I think she's an incredibly talented singer, but I do have a problem with Cowell's choice of song for her.

Hallelujah, originally written by Leonard Cohen in the early 80's, just isn't meant to be sung in the Diva style-e. I know I'm going to be hypocritical here, as I'm dissing a  cover version, but in 1994, Jeff Buckley did a version of the song on his album "Grace." Jeff's haunting voice and beautiful finger-style guitar work suited the biblical lyrics and feeling of the song perfectly. It really is the definitive version of this much covered song, and should be remembered fondly by everyone.  Alexandra's over-produced version, with it's Manilowesque key change after the middle 8 is going to be the first time a lot of people would have heard it, and they are going to think that that is how it's supposed to sound.

RIP

Can you imagine Unchained Melody being sung by Robson and Gerome? Oh shit, that actually happened didn't it? Ok, take "Imagine" by John Lennon, another beautiful song, with meaning and feeling, and a whole load of other emotions running right through it. Imagine that, being released by Jay-Z (Pronounced jay-zed), as a hip-hop track?  THAT is the gravity of the situation.

Jeff Buckley's version is currently sitting at number 30 in the charts, and I urge you to buy it, and get everyone you know to buy it.  Let's get it to number one. Screw you Simon.

JOIN THE FACEBOOK GROUP SUPPORTING THIS NOW!

RIP

Today is a sad day. This news might not have filtered through yet, but late last night, Terry Wogan resigned from Eurovision.

For many years,  Eurovision has been a highlight of the year.  Excellent entertainment, and that has nothing to do with the crappy euro-pop that appears on there. The song contest itself is rubbish, the standard of the turns is lower than a working men's club in Bradford, really terrible songs, sung by really terrible singers. The days of Abba and Sandy Shaw are way behind this particular crapfest.

And what of the presenters?  They have slowly but surely become caricatures of their predecessors, with less and less understanding of either of the languages they are expected to give the scores in. The crappy half time show has been on a decline since Riverdance, and that in itself is some achievement, and the "jury representatives" seem insistent on hamming it up to the camera and milking their 30 seconds.

So why do we love it so much? Well, erm, cos of El Tel, surely?  His commentary is humorous from the first word, and gets more and more hilarious as he gets more and more drunk as the night goes on. He ridicules the acts whenever possible, and most of all, he gets it. He really gets it.  He knows full well that it's shit, and takes great pleasure in telling us how shit it is.

Who have they replaced Tegs with? Who? Graham Norton. FFS. He does share the following traits with Terry:

1. Irish

Erm, ok, I'm sure that will be enough...

Shar lar lar tum tee dum

I happen to be an extremely talented musician, not to mention my skills in Falconry and Marmot Flinging. (Shut up RSPCA, they like it.) As a musical savant, I also happen to be capable of developing intense hatred towards less talented people who get famous. I'm looking at you Alesha Dixon. (Who?)

Her first single from her second album, "The Boy does Nothing" is quite possibly the ultimate in evil. EVIL!  

VIDEO HERE

First off, I have no clue who she is.  And this is her second album, apparently.  Her first album must have been monstrously successful eh?  Well, no, of course not, but thanks to her appearance on "Strictly Come Dancing" her latest single is getting more airplay than the Radio 2 pips.

So what is it that I don't like about it?  Well, the biggest thing is that whenever it gets played on the radio, It's in my head for the rest of the day.  Not because I like it, no, but because it's brainwashing me.  Let me put this into perspective.  Since an unknown date, a long long time ago, I have had Mud's "It'll be lonely this Christmas" in my head.  I mean, really in my head, RIGHT IN THERE. Whenever I'm not thinking about something, I've got this song going round and round in my head.  So, now you appreciate how much Alesha's monotonous whining about her man never "brushing up" is taking over my brain.

This song is ridiculously bad.  It's like nothing we've heard since the 1920's,  with it's Mamboesque rhythm, and nonsensical lyrics, she is clearly cashing in on her "Strictly" success.  Even the video is some patched together rubbish involving her dancing with a load of inadequate male partners.

This song was written by Brian Higgins, who is responsible for all 17 of Girls Aloud's hit singles.  Which, when you think about it makes sense.  All of the Girls songs have had the same nonsensical lyrics, addictive melodies and old-school rhythms.  So what is it that makes Alesha Dixon's song so annoying when it actually follows the same formula as Girls Aloud's hits ranging from acceptable to damn good?

Sorry Alesha, it's you.  I'm sorry, there's no other difference.  You should retire, and let Mr Higgins get back to writing pop classics like "The Promise," and let me get back to Mud and Marmot Flinging.