Player Hater

Now, I realise it's easy to laugh at the misfortune of others, but I'm tired and cranky, so I'm going to anyway.

Cristiano Ronaldo crashed his 2 day old Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano yesterday, in a tunnel under Manchester Airport. While I know there's a lot of people who'll just think I'm jealous of Ronaldo's salary and collection of wonderful cars, but as right as they are, I hope they'll indulge me...

Aside from being my dream car, the £200,000 Fiorano is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things ever created by man. Styled by the house of Pininfarina, it's 6 litre V12 makes this work of art go from 0-60 in 3.7 seconds, and is doing 160mph in less than 20. It's so technologically advanced that Ferrari reckon that a "competent driver" can complete a lap of their test track within a second of Michael Schumacher. Wow. It's like attaching rockets to the Venus de Milo, aiming it at the moon, and being able to hit the Apollo landing site every time.

Ok, that's enough petrol-headery from me, but I promise I'm making a point here. The tunnel that Ronaldo was driving through, I've been through a number of times, and I know that it gets very narrow, very quickly, as does anyone who's been through it before. Therefore, we slow down as we go through it. Simple. Crissy Ronbags was on his way from home, to training, so one can healthily assume he's driven that route before. He'd have known it narrows. So what was the dumb shit thinking?

Well, a number of things crossed my mind. Speeding, changing the radio, putting on make-up? Who knows. The truth is, even driven at speed, this car has enough Formula 1 technology to allow anyone to get within a second of Schumi's lap time. I'm not one to cast aspersions, but he must have been doing something other than giving the road his full attention.

Knowing how intelligent footballers are, my theory is this. Ronnie had been playing Gran Tourismo before setting off to work, and at the time of the accident, he was looking for the 599's pause button because he needed to do potty. It's as good an explanation as I can come up with.