Seriously, just stop it.

I can't help it, sorry, I've tried, but this is going to be a rant. People really need to take notice of what I say for the good of my sanity, and essentially for the good of humanity.

What is so difficult about having a bit of common courtesy and good manners? It's not a lot to ask, but it seems an ask too far for so many people nowadays. Now, I'm not referring to Burberry clad degenerates with more eyes than teeth, wearing enough Elizabeth Duke gold to ballast a nuclear submarine. I mean ordinary, respectable, people, with jobs, and real clothes, and soap.

They say that manners don't cost anything, yet there are way to many people living below that particular poverty line.  It isn't hard to say "please" and "thank you" is it? The more contact I have with people who see these short phrases as an unnecessary waste of time, the more I wonder why the rest of us bother.  But no, alas, we must bother. We can't lower ourselves to their level and just stop caring.

You can teach an 18 month old child to use good manners, believe me, been there, done that. Yet grown adults, and more amazingly, pensioners, find it impossible to get to grips with even the most basic levels of social etiquette.  For all their moaning about the "youth of today" some older people are so incredibly rude and ill-mannered that they deserve ASBO's

It's not just the lack of simple pleasantries like "please" and "thank you" that irritate me to the point of bursting.  By far my biggest irritation, other than Alan Carr, is table manners. Or the dearth thereof. I don't mean which knife to use or any of that garbage, I mean simple stuff.  Not difficult. Firstly, I have no interest in what you are eating once it leaves your plate.  I'm sure you are enjoying it, but just make "ummm" noises, and tell me it was nice once you have finished.  I don't want to see half-masticated sausages rolling around your face hole like a washing machine from an Ely Roth film. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  DON'T TALK!  EAT YOUR FECKING DINNER!

It's not just that, either, when it is necessary to open your mouth, like to get more food in it, try not to sound like you are french kissing a damp facecloth.  DON'T SMACK YOUR LIPS!  It sounds terrible, surely you can hear it?  The RAF pick it up on their radars, so your ear's, only an inch away from your grid, should notice it.  If not, point it out to them!  Let your brain know that people don't want to have meals with you because you repulse them.  They may actually like you as a person, and would love to spend more time with you, so stop making things awkward for them.

Finally, we all love the sound fingernails make on a chalkboard, obviously. But do us a favour, don't try and recreate it with your knife and plate.  You are NOT Cozy Powell, they are NOT drums, so quit paradiddling on your fine china.

Oh, and finally finally, chances are, I'm still hungry, I'm a big feller, so if I fail to order dessert, congratulations, your bad manners have made me forgo Chocolate Fudgecake with Ice Cream.  That's some achievement.  Tantamount to landing on the moon.